Line upon Line

Because my life is very hectic and busy, its hard for me to make alot of change at once.  I rarely eat at home because i'm never there.  And even when i do buy food, it often goes bad because i forget its there when i haven't been home in a week.  My poor roommate keeps having to say "I threw your milk out" or "I think your shrimp are starting to smell". Whoops.  Somehow she puts up with me.  Anyways, since i have 6 more weeks of school left i figure it would be a good idea to change one habit per week.  That way when school gets out and i can resume a more normal life i can hit it hard and do more "extreme" things....and it won't be a shell shock.  This week (and the last two), i've been working on going to the gym 3 days a week.  The first week was great, last week wasn't, and this week i still need to go twice.  While tomorrow is a long shot (because it is my 20 hour workday b/w work and school), i am committing to going friday and saturday.  I'm not doing anything big, just jumping on the treadmill or elliptical for 30 to 40 minutes.  I figure one more week and i can start adding in some resistance training. And so, if you have my number or email, please feel free to text or whatever on those days to remind me! I need some gentle "persuasion" sometimes when i'm feeling tired and burned out ;)

Moving Forward

Fast forward to the present.  I find myself back in school (definitely a cause for celebration!).  I also work third shift, so sleep sometimes doesn't get the attention it deserves, and my panic attacks that were a result of PTSD have now developed into a panic disorder. I will say that I have learned pretty well how to cope with panic and am working towards defeating it...go me!  I also have done a ton of healing emotionally, and find myself ready to stop hiding behind my weight and disappointment with myself for letting my body get back to a state of obesity.  I swore i would never go back and yet here i am.  So, this blog is more than an outlet for me...its a way to create accountability.  I hope that as I go through this process I might also help someone else find the inspiration and determination they need to reach their own goals. Here's to the journey!!!!

Part 3

Well, maybe unthinkable is a little dramatic...but it definitely wasn't pleasant.  I was working late one night and to make a long story short, i was car-jacked by four dudes with guns.  I never saw my car again.  I can't even begin to tell you the stress this put on me as i was suddenly faced with paying for a car i didn't have, trying to close and reopen bank accounts, putting flags on my personal information in case they stole my identity...not to mention i no longer had wheels to get around town with, or do my job for that matter.  At first I dealt with the stress by picking up my workouts, sometimes hitting the gym twice a day.  But after about 6 weeks i ended up getting a nasty cold that knocked me out for a few weeks.  We all know what happens to a good habit when you can't do it for a few weeks....it disappears, or atleast does so more easily.  During this time I ended up moving to DC for the summer to sell alarm systems door-to-door (ugh).  I never really got back into the habit of working out again, i'm sad to say.  The added stress of a commission-only job and the rejection that went with it also starting getting to me, and i soon began experiencing panic attacks.  I was also in some strange areas past dark, and given what happened to me i would experience a heightened state of fear at these times.  Over the next year i had steady bouts of panic attacks, sometimes 3 a day, and also had some blows with a nemesis called "depression".  My body continued to get more and more unhealthy as it would release adrenaline and create cortisol, which sped up my weight gain.  Add in physical inactivity (or atleast not as much as i was used to) and emotional eating and i had a disaster on my hands.

Part 2

I trained for a gym for only a short while before i realized that my manager was selling drugs and was doctoring training pay.  Lack of pay + a manager with an unruly temper = me getting outta there.  I kept working out, but about a month later was playing basketball when some big dude landed on me and hurt my back.  At first i thought i was fine, but a week later I was on a trip in Charleston when my back suddenly spasmed and i couldn't move.  For the next few days I was in and out of the chiropractor's office while the rest of my group toured Charleston.  I was in ALOT of pain and it was determined that i had an angular tear in one of my disks. For the next year and a half I struggled with horrible back problems.  I would make progress for about 6 months only to suddenly worsen for about 8 weeks at a time.  During these episodes it was very difficult for me to walk and nearly impossible for me to find any comfort no matter what position i was in.  Looking back, I probably should have made it easier on my healing process and used a wheelchair.  After thousands of dollars and atleast a year of 3 visits per week at the chiropractors office, I finally made enough progress to stop having those random episodes.  My chiropractor was fantastic, by the way. Obviously I had a hard time being consistent with any physical activity during this period of time, and i had put on about 20 pounds over the last year and a half.  I tried to eat well most of the time, but my body is built to pack on pounds no matter what if its not active.  As i continued to heal, I started training at another gym and even hired one of the other trainers to kick my butt.  I had really started to get back into great shape and was sometimes even working out twice a day.  I felt great, and I had started gaining more clients as I got more experience. And then the unthinkable happened.....

The Story part 1

I've really only been "big" since I was 17. I believed I was fat before that but I really wasn't. I wonder if an accurate body image would have made a difference. At any rate, when I graduated high school I really started putting on the pounds. I worked out still, but I ate horribly....I'm an emotional eater. And I'm a binge eater. I get these uncontrollable cravings that I really cannot stop. I could never get more than 20 pounds off until I was 22. At that point I had learned about a 17 week cleanse that was really supposed to restore health to your body. I figured weight loss would just be a bonus. That four months I lost 60 pounds. I felt incredible! I could breathe, exercise and enjoy it. I felt so light. And I couldn't believe I had done it. It was incredibly difficult and worth every minute. Later that year I did the cleanse a second time (although not completely perfect....it was over the holidays :/) and lost an additional 20. 80 pounds in one year!!! i looked good, i felt good....everyone was astonished and said i looked like a different person and i even got complements that i was "hot" for the first time in my life. After the cleanse was completely over I put on 15 pounds almost instantly. I was fine with that, it didn't really alter my appearance and i knew it was muscle. Along this weight loss journey I realized my dream to be a personal trainer, and had begun the lessons and training towards being certified. I held my weight at 215, continued to workout (i was looking pretty good!), got my certification and had began training at a gym. I was finally a personal trainer!

Weighing In

I've spent alot of time thinking about starting this blog. I'm not ready yet for anyone to read it. I don't know if i'll ever let anyone read it. But I need an outlet. I also need a new method of accountability. This is the beginning of my story. For as long as I can remember, I've had a poor body image....heck i've had just a bad self-image. I was an athlete, but i always felt like i was fat, ugly, and that there was no reason anyone had for liking me. It wasn't that I necessarily felt that I was just a yucky person, its that I just felt horribly misunderstood and unimportant. I figured nobody would ever really have the interest or take the time to get to know ME....not who my family, my schoolmates or anyone else said I was. It feels a little weird writing that, but I know that if i'm truly truly honest with myself its my oldest belief system. That being said, I'm starting this blog to deal with the deepest issue of my soul: my weight. I have a lot of excuses....my metabolism is dysfunctional, its other people's fault that I grew up with the eating habits i did, it's other people's fault that I have the deep emotional belief system i do about my personal value. While I believe that all of these things are the cause of my weight issues, its time for me to be totally honest with myself for the first time. I am solely responsible for my body. While those other things are indeed true, I decided whether or not they run my life. And I am so sick of them running my life. I have to step up and realize (even though humiliating) that I've chosen to be here. In some ways, I keep myself here because its easier to suffer and be the victim than to take responsibility and conquer all. This trial has been given to me and I get to decide what to do with it.