Line upon Line

Because my life is very hectic and busy, its hard for me to make alot of change at once.  I rarely eat at home because i'm never there.  And even when i do buy food, it often goes bad because i forget its there when i haven't been home in a week.  My poor roommate keeps having to say "I threw your milk out" or "I think your shrimp are starting to smell". Whoops.  Somehow she puts up with me.  Anyways, since i have 6 more weeks of school left i figure it would be a good idea to change one habit per week.  That way when school gets out and i can resume a more normal life i can hit it hard and do more "extreme" things....and it won't be a shell shock.  This week (and the last two), i've been working on going to the gym 3 days a week.  The first week was great, last week wasn't, and this week i still need to go twice.  While tomorrow is a long shot (because it is my 20 hour workday b/w work and school), i am committing to going friday and saturday.  I'm not doing anything big, just jumping on the treadmill or elliptical for 30 to 40 minutes.  I figure one more week and i can start adding in some resistance training. And so, if you have my number or email, please feel free to text or whatever on those days to remind me! I need some gentle "persuasion" sometimes when i'm feeling tired and burned out ;)

Moving Forward

Fast forward to the present.  I find myself back in school (definitely a cause for celebration!).  I also work third shift, so sleep sometimes doesn't get the attention it deserves, and my panic attacks that were a result of PTSD have now developed into a panic disorder. I will say that I have learned pretty well how to cope with panic and am working towards defeating it...go me!  I also have done a ton of healing emotionally, and find myself ready to stop hiding behind my weight and disappointment with myself for letting my body get back to a state of obesity.  I swore i would never go back and yet here i am.  So, this blog is more than an outlet for me...its a way to create accountability.  I hope that as I go through this process I might also help someone else find the inspiration and determination they need to reach their own goals. Here's to the journey!!!!

Part 3

Well, maybe unthinkable is a little dramatic...but it definitely wasn't pleasant.  I was working late one night and to make a long story short, i was car-jacked by four dudes with guns.  I never saw my car again.  I can't even begin to tell you the stress this put on me as i was suddenly faced with paying for a car i didn't have, trying to close and reopen bank accounts, putting flags on my personal information in case they stole my identity...not to mention i no longer had wheels to get around town with, or do my job for that matter.  At first I dealt with the stress by picking up my workouts, sometimes hitting the gym twice a day.  But after about 6 weeks i ended up getting a nasty cold that knocked me out for a few weeks.  We all know what happens to a good habit when you can't do it for a few weeks....it disappears, or atleast does so more easily.  During this time I ended up moving to DC for the summer to sell alarm systems door-to-door (ugh).  I never really got back into the habit of working out again, i'm sad to say.  The added stress of a commission-only job and the rejection that went with it also starting getting to me, and i soon began experiencing panic attacks.  I was also in some strange areas past dark, and given what happened to me i would experience a heightened state of fear at these times.  Over the next year i had steady bouts of panic attacks, sometimes 3 a day, and also had some blows with a nemesis called "depression".  My body continued to get more and more unhealthy as it would release adrenaline and create cortisol, which sped up my weight gain.  Add in physical inactivity (or atleast not as much as i was used to) and emotional eating and i had a disaster on my hands.