Friday, September 18, 2009
I've really only been "big" since I was 17. I believed I was fat before that but I really wasn't. I wonder if an accurate body image would have made a difference. At any rate, when I graduated high school I really started putting on the pounds. I worked out still, but I ate horribly....I'm an emotional eater. And I'm a binge eater. I get these uncontrollable cravings that I really cannot stop. I could never get more than 20 pounds off until I was 22. At that point I had learned about a 17 week cleanse that was really supposed to restore health to your body. I figured weight loss would just be a bonus. That four months I lost 60 pounds. I felt incredible! I could breathe, exercise and enjoy it. I felt so light. And I couldn't believe I had done it. It was incredibly difficult and worth every minute. Later that year I did the cleanse a second time (although not completely perfect....it was over the holidays :/) and lost an additional 20. 80 pounds in one year!!! i looked good, i felt good....everyone was astonished and said i looked like a different person and i even got complements that i was "hot" for the first time in my life. After the cleanse was completely over I put on 15 pounds almost instantly. I was fine with that, it didn't really alter my appearance and i knew it was muscle. Along this weight loss journey I realized my dream to be a personal trainer, and had begun the lessons and training towards being certified. I held my weight at 215, continued to workout (i was looking pretty good!), got my certification and had began training at a gym. I was finally a personal trainer!
I've spent alot of time thinking about starting this blog. I'm not ready yet for anyone to read it. I don't know if i'll ever let anyone read it. But I need an outlet. I also need a new method of accountability. This is the beginning of my story. For as long as I can remember, I've had a poor body image....heck i've had just a bad self-image. I was an athlete, but i always felt like i was fat, ugly, and that there was no reason anyone had for liking me. It wasn't that I necessarily felt that I was just a yucky person, its that I just felt horribly misunderstood and unimportant. I figured nobody would ever really have the interest or take the time to get to know ME....not who my family, my schoolmates or anyone else said I was. It feels a little weird writing that, but I know that if i'm truly truly honest with myself its my oldest belief system. That being said, I'm starting this blog to deal with the deepest issue of my soul: my weight. I have a lot of excuses....my metabolism is dysfunctional, its other people's fault that I grew up with the eating habits i did, it's other people's fault that I have the deep emotional belief system i do about my personal value. While I believe that all of these things are the cause of my weight issues, its time for me to be totally honest with myself for the first time. I am solely responsible for my body. While those other things are indeed true, I decided whether or not they run my life. And I am so sick of them running my life. I have to step up and realize (even though humiliating) that I've chosen to be here. In some ways, I keep myself here because its easier to suffer and be the victim than to take responsibility and conquer all. This trial has been given to me and I get to decide what to do with it.