Friday, September 18, 2009
I've spent alot of time thinking about starting this blog. I'm not ready yet for anyone to read it. I don't know if i'll ever let anyone read it. But I need an outlet. I also need a new method of accountability. This is the beginning of my story. For as long as I can remember, I've had a poor body image....heck i've had just a bad self-image. I was an athlete, but i always felt like i was fat, ugly, and that there was no reason anyone had for liking me. It wasn't that I necessarily felt that I was just a yucky person, its that I just felt horribly misunderstood and unimportant. I figured nobody would ever really have the interest or take the time to get to know ME....not who my family, my schoolmates or anyone else said I was. It feels a little weird writing that, but I know that if i'm truly truly honest with myself its my oldest belief system. That being said, I'm starting this blog to deal with the deepest issue of my soul: my weight. I have a lot of excuses....my metabolism is dysfunctional, its other people's fault that I grew up with the eating habits i did, it's other people's fault that I have the deep emotional belief system i do about my personal value. While I believe that all of these things are the cause of my weight issues, its time for me to be totally honest with myself for the first time. I am solely responsible for my body. While those other things are indeed true, I decided whether or not they run my life. And I am so sick of them running my life. I have to step up and realize (even though humiliating) that I've chosen to be here. In some ways, I keep myself here because its easier to suffer and be the victim than to take responsibility and conquer all. This trial has been given to me and I get to decide what to do with it.